Coffee Quotes – Season Three
Collected by Ken Holuta and Liesbeth (from Belgium 😉 , Edited by Ken and Lori Holuta.
3.01 – Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days
LORELAI: Okay, see, last night, when I said to you, ‘Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven,’ what I actually meant was, ‘Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up at seven in case when seven comes, I actually wanna get up,’ which – as it happened – I didn’t. Therefore, you’re currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.
((She pulls a container of coffee out of the freezer)
LUKE: No survivors?
LORELAI: The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation. (smells the coffee) This is decaf.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: You switched my coffee again.
((Lorelai searches the kitchen for the regular coffee)
LUKE: I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to sneak around switching your coffee. I have a diner to run, I have shipments to order, I have things to flip and fry. Will you stop that?
((Lorelai finds the bag of regular coffee under the sink)
LORELAI: Ha, haha, hahaha! Under the sink, very clever, but not clever enough bucko.
LUKE: Okay, fine, you know what? I give up.
LORELAI: Woo hoo!
LUKE: Go one day without coffee.
LORELAI: That’s not giving up.
LUKE: I’ll put a toy in your cereal.
LUKE: (hands her a plate of food) Fine, here, you win.
(Lorelai describes a strange dream involving Bill Maher of “Politically Incorrect” to Rory)
RORY: Sorry. Go ahead, he was making breakfast. . .
LORELAI: Eggs and pancakes and bacon, and he put decaf coffee in my regular coffee bag, which of course I knew immediately.
RORY: Hi, the nose.
LORELAI: Exactly. So eventually I find the real stuff under the sink. He hands me my breakfast, and then…
((Lorelai walks into Luke’s Diner. Luke is standing at the cash register.)
LUKE: We’re closed.
LORELAI: I know. Look, I didn’t come here to make up, or to try to get you to forgive me, or talk. I wouldn’t even have come here at all but I had a really crappy night and I really, really need a cup of coffee. Just pretend I’m not me. I’m Mimi, a new customer. I’ve never been in here before. I was just walking down the street and I spotted this place. ‘Ooh, hey, nice place.’ And I came in. Now Mimi is going to pour herself a cup of coffee and sit over here way far away from you, and she promises, just as soon as she’s done, she will rinse out her own cup and leave.
(Lorelai pours herself a cup of coffee.)
3.02 – Haunted Leg
RORY: Okay, see, the whole point of having an informal ‘get to know you’ gathering was actually to have an informal ‘get to know you’ gathering.
PARIS: What’s your point?
RORY: You just spent an hour walking around talking about your agenda.
PARIS: I’m student body president – that’s my job.
RORY: But we got donuts, and we didn’t touch the donuts. The donuts are still sitting next to the coffee that we never passed out. We were supposed to spend this time to talk, bond, get to know each other.
PARIS: Geez, Rory, we’ve been sitting in a room together for sixty minutes – what else do you want, a ring?
3.03 – Application Anxiety
(Dean and Rory are sitting at a table in Luke’s Diner. Luke refills Rory’s coffee mug)
RORY: Thank you.
LUKE: Do they let kids drink coffee before school?
RORY: Why, do you think it might lead to harder stuff? Lattes, cappucinos…
LUKE: Forget I asked. (walks away)
RORY: Great. Oh, there’s my bus. Sip. (sips coffee) Kiss. (they kiss) And bye.
(Rory exits the diner and runs to catch her bus as Luke walks over to the table)
LUKE: Fast runner.
DEAN: It’s the coffee.
LUKE: Not your face?
DEAN: Excuse me?
LUKE: Sorry, just missed my youth for a second. I’m back. Coffee?
(Rory stops outside a bedroom when she hears music inside. A girl rushes past her and goes into the bedroom)
CAROL: Coming through!
RORY: Oh, sorry. I just heard music and … (follows her into the bedroom) Cool room.
CAROL: Tom Waits.
CAROL: The music.
RORY: Oh, I thought so. I love him.
CAROL: I worship him. I even mildly stalked him once.
CAROL: Last year, I heard he was staying at this hotel so I went there everyday and sat in the lobby drinking massive amounts of coffee waiting for him to walk by.
RORY: Did you see him?
CAROL: Nope, never came down. For all I know, he’s still there. Hand me that brush?
3.04 – One’s Got Class and the Other One Dyes
(Luke explains why he doesn’t need notes to talk to high schoolers about what it takes to run a diner)
LUKE: I run a diner, what are my notes? I open the door, people come in, they order food, I cook the food, I serve the food, they eat the food. Then there’s a terrific action sequence where I refill coffee and water. And oh, my big finale is a description of the whole end of the evening mopping up ceremony.
(Lorelai is talking to the class about her career, but they keep asking her questions about her teenage pregnancy and things aren’t going too well…)
LORELAI: Look, you guys, this is a very important subject, and I promise that another time I would love to take you all for a cup of coffee and, and talk about… if you should even be allowed to drink coffee because coffee is for older… *sigh* (is interrupted for the next speaker)
3.06 – Take the Deviled Eggs
(There’s a town meeting going on, discussing the issue of birds on poles and their side-effects)
ANDREW: I’d rather have bird crap fall on my head.
LORELAI: There it is – our new town slogan.
RORY: I like it.
LORELAI: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
RORY: Don’t forget stuffed shish-kabobbed birds.
LORELAI: That moan when you squeeze ‘em.
3.07 – They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They?
(Taylor and Luke discuss details of the upcoming charity dance marathon.)
TAYLOR: I was just thinking how nice it would be if you could set up a little coffee stand at the marathon.
LUKE: Coffee stand.
TAYLOR: Yes. I mean, these people have to try and stay up for twenty-four hours. What better to help you stay up than a cup of nice strong cup of coffee, huh? What do you say?
LUKE: For a buck a cup.
TAYLOR: Luke, this marathon is a charitable event.
(It’s revealed that the money being raised will be used to buy a tarp for an unrestored bridge.)
LUKE: Taylor, you are asking me to donate free coffee to hundreds of people so you can raise money to buy a tarp.
TAYLOR: How ‘bout fifty cents a cup?
LUKE: How ‘bout I charge for cream?
TAYLOR: You would kick Tiny Tim’s crutch out from under him, wouldn’t you?
LUKE: If he asks for a free cup of coffee, gimpy’s going down.
RORY: You can’t even stop smiling.
PARIS: I can, too.
RORY: Tell me.
PARIS: Okay. Well, we went for coffee, and he talked about how he had a great time on our date, and how he finds me fascinating, and how he thought about me all the time. Okay, there, happy?
(Babette is sitting at the sign-up table for the dance marathon.)
LORELAI: Morning Babette.
BABETTE: Oh, morning sugar. You guys look terrific.
LORELAI: Thank you.
RORY: Babette, can I lay down on the table while Mom signs in?
BABETTE: Not an early bird, huh?
LORELAI: I need to get some coffee in her and we’ll be fine. Kirk, however, is gonna be crying like a little teeny girl.
(Later, same scene)
RORY: I’m gonna go say hi to Lane.
LORELAI: Okay, hon, hurry back. Remember, the sooner we get inspected, the sooner we get coffee.
RORY: Yeah, coffee.
(Later, just as the dance marathon is about to begin.)
TAYLOR: All right, people, lace your shoes, pin those curls, because we only have three minutes left until we start.
LORELAI: Well, I believe three minutes is plenty of time for some coffee.
RORY: Yes, coffee, please.
(They walk over to Luke’s coffee table on the side of the dance floor.)
LORELAI: Hey, we’re dying, load us up.
LUKE: It isn’t ready yet.
LORELAI: What do you mean it’s not ready? It’s six in the morning. Nothing says coffee like six in the morning.
(Luke picks up a thermos and hands it to them)
LUKE: You did not get this from me.
LORELAI: Then who do we send our kisses of gratitude to?
LUKE: The eternal question asked yet again.
RORY: Thanks Luke. Strong.
LORELAI: Yeah? Hello.
(Lorelai and Rory dance over to Dean.)
DEAN: Wow, you guys look great.
RORY: Hey, you came.
DEAN: Hey, you’re standing.
LORELAI: Hey, we had coffee.
DEAN: I can tell.
3.08 – Let the Games Begin
LORELAI: Sweetie, have you ever been to New Haven?
LORELAI: Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it, that’s New Haven.
(Emily, Richard, Lorelai and Rory are driving off to Yale. As they walk to the car, Emily notices Lorelai is carrying a coffee travel mug)
EMILY: Where are you going with that?
LORELAI: To the car.
EMILY: You can’t have that in the car.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Well, then, what are you doing with it?
LORELAI: Walking it.
LORELAI: Mom, I know I can’t have it in the car. It will not be in the car.
RICHARD: Is that everything?
LORELAI: Yes, I think so.
RICHARD: All right, then. Let’s get this show on the road.
(Lorelai gets in the back seat and holds the mug out the window)
EMILY: Now let’s see you drink it.
(Lorelai sticks her head out the window and takes a sip)
LORELAI: Mm, good to the last drop.
EMILY: You stay that way until it’s gone.
LORELAI: Aye, aye, captain.
EMILY: Let’s go Richard.
RICHARD: All right-y.
(Richard pulls away while Lorelai drinks her coffee out the window)
(Later that day at Luke’s Diner)
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: We’re coming from a day with my parents. Want a taco?
LUKE: Uh, no thanks. See, I already have food here. We sell it to the other customers who don’t come quite as prepared as the two of you.
LORELAI: Mm, be nice and get us some salsa.
LUKE: At least order a cup of coffee.
RORY: Coffee and tacos?
LORELAI: Sounds just gross enough to work.
(Rory is studying on the couch as Lorelai walks into the room with two mugs)
LORELAI: Coffee and Ovaltine.
3.11 I Solemnly Swear
(Following an awkward, rambling sidewalk conversation after Rory bumps into Dean)
DEAN: Though, this, right now…
DEAN: Very random.
RORY: That’s probably the most the word random’s been used in a two minutes period in a really long time.
DEAN: Hey, you wanna get a cup of coffee?
DEAN: Maybe talk a little? Of course, if you prefer, we can both just head over to Weston’s and randomly bump into each other.
RORY: No, uh, that’s okay. I can get coffee.
JOE: Yeah, yeah. So what are you doing here?
SOOKIE: Lorelai and I are opening an inn together, so we came for a class.
JOE: Really? Alex and I are here for a class about opening your own coffee place.
ALEX: Chain of coffee places, actually.
SOOKIE: That’s great.
JOE: We’ll see. It’s pretty new territory for us.
ALEX: Joe at least knows the food industry. I’m coming from ironworks, so I basically know what the security gate you pull down at the end of the night should be made of.
JOE: So far, we’ve got the business model planned out, there’s a couple of prime locations we’re interested in. The only thing left to do besides build the place is pick a name.
LORELAI: Oh, little tip, don’t choose anything cute.
SOOKIE: Like Jitters.
LORELAI: Or Spill the Beans.
SOOKIE: Or Higher Ground.
LORELAI: Or The Mudhouse.
ALEX: Actually, I kinda like that.
LORELAI: Oh, me too. We call dibs.
ALEX: I thought you were opening an inn.
LORELAI: Well, we wanna keep our options open.
ALEX: On weekends, I like to go to different coffee shops, try their coffee, look at what they’re doing.
LORELAI: See if there’s anything you can steal and possibly disguise as your own?
ALEX: Exactly, kind of a low-rent corporate espionage. Anyway, sometimes I’ll hit two coffee shops that have surprisingly similar product, and I for the life of me cannot decide which one is better.
ALEX: Yes, bummer, so I thought it would really help to have another person there who could help me make these crucial evaluations.
LORELAI: Interesting solution to a fascinating problem.
ALEX: So I was wondering what you were doing this Saturday.
LORELAI: You know, it’s funny you should ask me this, because I just happen to be one of the world’s foremost coffee experts.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it’s basically just me and this guy named Chuckles in Brazil.
LORELAI: So, you guys come up with a name for your place yet?
ALEX: Right now, the top contender is Sludge.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
ALEX: Moving on, my partner likes Regular Joe.
ALEX: Then again, his name is Joe.
LORELAI: Well, fancy that.
ALEX: So, still won’t let go of The Mudhouse, huh?
LORELAI: Afraid not. What else you got?
ALEX: Well, okay, how about Black Liquid Hope Sold Here?
LORELAI: See, now you’re making some progress.
3.12 – Lorelai Out of Water
(Lorelai is sitting at a table at a coffee shop as Alex walks over with two little coffee cups)
ALEX: Okay, now this is the Sumatra blend. It’s supposed to be a little sharper than the Colombian.
LORELAI: You know, this is pretty much what I thought heaven would look like. There might have been a unicorn in the corner, but basically – yeah, this is it. Um, so I’ve had fifteen of these tiny coffees.
ALEX: Yes, you have.
LORELAI: And you’re telling me that all this tasting is completely free?
LORELAI: So I’m a cheap date.
ALEX: Well, the tasting is free, but I have to promise to stock my coffee chain from this warehouse, so actually this date is costing me about eleven thousand dollars a month.
LORELAI: Geez, I hope I’m worth it.
ALEX: So far, so good.
SOOKIE: Tell me about Alex.
LORELAI: Well, he owns an iron company. They do gates and statues, big fancy stuff. He’s divorced, he has two kids he’s crazy about. He’s nice, he drinks a lot of coffee. It’s all good, it all works.
LUKE: So this’ll be your first date or…
LUKE: Second date.
LORELAI: He took me to this coffee tasting place.
LUKE: Coffee tasting, just your type.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
LUKE: Well, I think that’s great.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LORELAI: Oh great. It’s 5:30 a.m., and I have no coffee in my system.
(Lorelai answers the door.)
ALEX: (holds up a bag) Coffee and donuts.
LORELAI: Ah, I like you. Come on in. Right in here.
LUKE: Listen, I was thinking about that cup of coffee you had at my place the other day. I felt bad making Taylor pay for it – not that I ever feel bad sticking it to Taylor. I just thought it might get you in trouble with a client. I’d hate to see you disbarred again.
NICOLE: To be honest, I actually paid for the coffee myself.
LUKE: Oh, oh, well, then at least let me pay you back for it.
NICOLE: You wanna give me seventy-five cents?
LUKE: No, no, no, uh, what I meant was – ah, what the hell? Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?
3.13 – Dear Emily and Richard
(Lorelai walks in to Luke’s Diner)
LORELAI: Okay, I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone and… who am I saying this to?
KIRK: I was listening.
LORELAI: Where’s Luke?
KIRK: I don’t know.
LORELAI: Well, is he here? Is he coming back? How fresh is that pot?
KIRK: I don’t know, I don’t know, it was sitting there when I got here but that’s only been a minute so I don’t know.
(Luke walks down from upstairs)
LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Hey, I desperately need a massive cup of coffee to go and – what happened to your face?
LUKE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: It’s visible.
LUKE: Oh, I shaved.
LORELAI: You going to the bank?
LORELAI: Drag club?
LUKE: Let’s get you your coffee, shall we?
3.15 – Face-Off
DAVE: Whoa, whoa. Uh, what’s wrong?
ZACH: This stupid song, man. “For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe.” I mean, who talks like that, the Pope?
BRIAN: Dude, is any of those lemon poppy seed?
DAVE: Well, can’t you update it a little?
ZACH: Sure, man. Just tell me what the hell it means. It’s like in Latin or something.
BRIAN: I thought there was gonna be coffee, too.
ZACH: Dude, can you chill out about your freaking elevenses ‘til we get this song straightened out?
BRIAN: I’m hypoglycemic. If I don’t get something in my system, I’m gonna crash.
DAVE: Is abi-death a word?
3.17 – A Tale of Poes and Fire
(Luke tells Lorelai about his first date with Nicole)
LUKE: Well, on our first date, I was a little nervous and I wasn’t having any luck coming up with topics, so I was just kinda blabbing a lot. And then she ordered extra fries at dinner, so it reminded me of you and I told her a quick story about you and French fries, and that seemed fine. And then later, she ordered a third cup of coffee…
LORELAI: Oh, Luke.
LUKE: And I mentioned you and your coffee thing, and I noticed that Nicole kind of reacted a little, and ever since then, she’s been a little sensitive to the issue.
LORELAI: Well, of course she is, Luke. You don’t talk about another woman on a first date.
LORELAI: It’s the alarm clock. I had a dream once that you set eighteen alarm clocks to get me up, which is not a bad way to get me up.
LUKE: Where were we?
LORELAI: We were, um, at my house. I got up, I went downstairs for coffee, and you talked to my stomach.
LUKE: Why on earth I do that?
LORELAI: Well, because I was pregnant. Twins.
LORELAI: What am I, dream tramp? Of course yours.
LUKE: We were married?
LORELAI: Um, yeah. Did I not mention that?
LUKE: No. You know, you shouldn’t drink coffee when you’re pregnant.
LORELAI: Uh, true.
LUKE: It’s probably why Rory’s a caffeine addict.
LORELAI: Right, you’re right.
3.20 – Say Goodnight, Gracie
(Jess gives Kirk the plate, then walks back over to the man at the table by the door)
MAN 2: What?
JESS: You know what you want yet?
MAN 2: I’ll just have more coffee.
JESS: More coffee coming up. Glad to make your dining dreams come true.
(Jess is cleaning up Luke’s Diner when his estranged father, Jimmy walks in)
JESS: We’re closed. Learn to read. You’re the loser coffee guy.
JIMMY: Well, not as cool as Bono, but I’ll take it.
(Later, same conversation)
JESS: You want some coffee?
JIMMY: Sure. Thanks.
JESS: It’s old.
(They sit down at a table and both silently listen to a song on the radio for a minute)
3.21 – Here Comes the Son
OPEN AT WESTON’S BAKERY
(Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table with Spanish language books spread open in front of them)
LORELAI: “Where’s the ladies room?” “More coffee, please.” “Does Antonio Banderas live near here?”
RORY: We do not need to know how to say “Does Antonio Banderas live near here?”
LORELAI: Oh, yes, we do.
(Lorelai and Rory walk through Lorelai’s front door)
RORY: Oh my God, I’m so tired.
LORELAI: Here’s a crazy thought, how about going to bed?
RORY: I have to study.
LORELAI: Or, better yet, make a pot of coffee and once again, get no sleep. Just as good.